Work

I haven't yet decided what I'm going to base this blog on where I even want things to head but I thought the first step would be to get some thoughts down on "paper". Everything can always be sorted out at a later stage once the blog is more formed and focused.

Mostly I want to document my journey as a women, wife and mother. I constantly strive to be better at all of these roles but I have constant failures as well. Maybe this blog can help me see things from a better angle and perhaps not feel quite so alone in how I feel.

There are so many things on my mind at the moment that I don't even know which one to pick and where to start. Maybe I'll list these and then I can address them all in time.
1) Work
2) Jobs and Cleaning
3) impatience, laziness and exhaustion
4) children
5) friends
6) lifestyle

My family and I have just been away for the weekend and had a fantastic holiday. Now we're back I'm having to face going back to work again and it's really upsetting me and getting me down, my first shift is this afternoon. I don't have a glamorous job and I feel embarrassed whenever anyone asks me what I do. I always say "I just work in ______, stacking shelves". In reality what I do is much more than that and it's hard work. I took the job knowing is was a dead end job, that's all I wanted, but I didn't really account for the environment I'd have to work in and the tiredness. What I haven't mentioned is that I work 2 nights a week to fit this around my family. I work 10pm till 6am. The whole environment is toxic because everyone is so unhappy there and constantly moaning. Outside of my team I'm hit with so much negativity and no support. Night staff, who we work with, don't like us because we move items around on the shelves fitting in the new items and taking out the discontinued stock. They say they can't find the items, they waste time looking for it and that we get in the way. Sure for one night it's inconvenient but customers want new items and rotating items is surely what a good business is all about? Would they prefer that we always left things exactly as they were and we customers got bored and shopped elsewhere? Then we'd all be out of a job. The way they talk feels like they'd prefer that sometimes. I'm fed up with people complaining about lack of help but never offering anything in return. I don't feel inclined to help others who can only say negative things about me, would you? So I feel like going in to this environment twice a week is making me turn into one of these moany people and becoming more selfish than I wish to be. I don't want to feel so negatively about these people and the store but it is grinding me down.

Added to this, as I said, I work nights. I get home at 6am and go straight to bed, but I have a 3 year old. I have to get up to take her nursery for 9 so I get 2 hours at most. Once she's dropped off I just about get 2 more hours before I go and fetch her again. Once she's home we have an afternoon together, an evening run and then I finally get to bed. So for every night I work I lose 2 nights sleep, I don't really get to recover from that. So I get tired from the shift and then get more and more tired as time goes on. I feel like I don't really have the energy to do what I want to do and am vegetated on the sofa for most of my life. I hate that feeling and I wish I didn't have to work. I know that I'm good at my job and I enjoy the actual work, I just don't like the consequences of everything that comes with that. I wonder if the extra money is worth it but I know that at the moment we rely on it and can't really do without the job. I also wonder if it would really solve the problem if I wasn't working? Would I just find something else to be unhappy about? I'm determined to enjoy the many things I have but it would help if I wasn't so tired!!

So, until our situation changes, I'm going to continue working there. I'm going to continue doing the best job I can and try and shut everyone out. I'm focusing on getting through to Easter and taking it from there. I really hope we know more about our situation by then so decisions can be made.