Last night, whilst driving home from work, I decided that I needed to be more focused and positive about being a mummy and a wife and a person. I'm reading a series of books at the moment, which I'm really enjoying, about women who are travelling across America to become mail order brides. In there is describes the amount of work they put in to keep their husbands and children happy, therefore making them a good wife. Whilst things have changed so much in this time I can't help but take some pointers from it and think that I should be doing a lot more and keeping my house a lot better.
My husband last night told me a about someone going to someone elses house and being shocked at the state of it, it made me think that I never want someone to come into my house thinking that and I need to do a better job. Added to this though I decided that I need to be more positive about what I do do and acknowledge it. So each day my aim is think about what I'm doing to be like those brides and what am I doing to be a good housewife.
I've decided to start small and get myself used acknowledging the little tasks before noticing and doing bigger things. It's not that I'm necessarily not doing these things before but I haven't given myself credit for them. So this morning what have I done?
I've done the washing and changed the beds. I've vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen floor. Sorted out the family finances for this month and sorted out the family calendar. This has backfired a little because that doesnt't feel like much now I come to look at it but I suppose it's only 11am. We are currently trying out a star chart system for our daughter where she gets good stars and naughty stars, both of which come with rewards/punishments. So far it's going really well and she's very anxious to get the good stars and avoid the naughty ones. This means that I'm searching for jobs she can help with and trying to get her involved as well. She's very eager to help so to encourage and reward this is key. She's only 3 so at the age where the rewards can be small and easy to find, like watching a princess film. Punishments are easy too because she loves her princess dolls and is devastated if she can't have one for the night. I hope this works and it makes us feel more in control and able to consistently discipline. I mention this because I think this is another positive good mother point.
Right so it's time to give her lunch before she heads off to nursery. I get an afternoon to myself. Now comes the dilemma, do I do some more jobs or do I sit down and relax in peace and quiet for once? Either way I probably won't be happy with my decision and will think I should have done the other thing. We shall see.
Monday 3 October 2016
Children
I'm sure this is an age old complaint but why is it that once you're married everyone feels it's their business to know about when you're having children? Why when you have a toddler do they then ask about when you're having the next one? One it's a very personal thing, two have you considered how you make someone feel about it?
We have one child, a beautiful 3 year old girl but she will be our only child, yes we're absolutely certain that we won't be having any more children. We have made the decision to make sure that we won't have any more. That decision has hurt and I have had to grieve it. Some people aren't able to have any children, or don't want them, and have to come to terms with this. So why is it necessary to rub this in their faces and remind them of it? If they have a child then sure, ask them about that child, but just that child. Don't make people feel inadequate because they don't have any/more.
The decision to not have any more was very hard and painful, we both always said we didn't want to just have an only child. I remember having arguments on the topic and saying I would never just have one child, I felt very strongly about it. Yet here I am making a lasting decision saying that one is all we'll have, so consider how hard that was.
I've written a lot about how hard my pregnancy, labour and early days were. I feel that if one step of this had been hard then I would have wanted to do it again. It was all hard and I couldn't choose to do that again. I can't inflict that on my husband and my daughter.
So what's the solution? just don't ask, don't assume that you need to know all the details of someone else's life. If they offer the information then of course that's different but I don't like being asked by strangers on the street in the first conversation we have.
I haven't ever really liked very young children, I didn't dislike them but I don't understand this love of their smell etc. They are nice for a cuddle but it's when they get older I find them interesting, when they have a character and personality. I do, however, get sad when I see them and know that we won't experience that again for ourselves. My daughter is never going to be a baby again, she won't be at the stage where she is learning new things all the time and rolling or sitting up is a major deal.
We have one child, a beautiful 3 year old girl but she will be our only child, yes we're absolutely certain that we won't be having any more children. We have made the decision to make sure that we won't have any more. That decision has hurt and I have had to grieve it. Some people aren't able to have any children, or don't want them, and have to come to terms with this. So why is it necessary to rub this in their faces and remind them of it? If they have a child then sure, ask them about that child, but just that child. Don't make people feel inadequate because they don't have any/more.
The decision to not have any more was very hard and painful, we both always said we didn't want to just have an only child. I remember having arguments on the topic and saying I would never just have one child, I felt very strongly about it. Yet here I am making a lasting decision saying that one is all we'll have, so consider how hard that was.
I've written a lot about how hard my pregnancy, labour and early days were. I feel that if one step of this had been hard then I would have wanted to do it again. It was all hard and I couldn't choose to do that again. I can't inflict that on my husband and my daughter.
So what's the solution? just don't ask, don't assume that you need to know all the details of someone else's life. If they offer the information then of course that's different but I don't like being asked by strangers on the street in the first conversation we have.
I haven't ever really liked very young children, I didn't dislike them but I don't understand this love of their smell etc. They are nice for a cuddle but it's when they get older I find them interesting, when they have a character and personality. I do, however, get sad when I see them and know that we won't experience that again for ourselves. My daughter is never going to be a baby again, she won't be at the stage where she is learning new things all the time and rolling or sitting up is a major deal.
Sunday 2 October 2016
Work
I haven't yet decided what I'm going to base this blog on where I even want things to head but I thought the first step would be to get some thoughts down on "paper". Everything can always be sorted out at a later stage once the blog is more formed and focused.
Mostly I want to document my journey as a women, wife and mother. I constantly strive to be better at all of these roles but I have constant failures as well. Maybe this blog can help me see things from a better angle and perhaps not feel quite so alone in how I feel.
There are so many things on my mind at the moment that I don't even know which one to pick and where to start. Maybe I'll list these and then I can address them all in time.
1) Work
2) Jobs and Cleaning
3) impatience, laziness and exhaustion
4) children
5) friends
6) lifestyle
My family and I have just been away for the weekend and had a fantastic holiday. Now we're back I'm having to face going back to work again and it's really upsetting me and getting me down, my first shift is this afternoon. I don't have a glamorous job and I feel embarrassed whenever anyone asks me what I do. I always say "I just work in ______, stacking shelves". In reality what I do is much more than that and it's hard work. I took the job knowing is was a dead end job, that's all I wanted, but I didn't really account for the environment I'd have to work in and the tiredness. What I haven't mentioned is that I work 2 nights a week to fit this around my family. I work 10pm till 6am. The whole environment is toxic because everyone is so unhappy there and constantly moaning. Outside of my team I'm hit with so much negativity and no support. Night staff, who we work with, don't like us because we move items around on the shelves fitting in the new items and taking out the discontinued stock. They say they can't find the items, they waste time looking for it and that we get in the way. Sure for one night it's inconvenient but customers want new items and rotating items is surely what a good business is all about? Would they prefer that we always left things exactly as they were and we customers got bored and shopped elsewhere? Then we'd all be out of a job. The way they talk feels like they'd prefer that sometimes. I'm fed up with people complaining about lack of help but never offering anything in return. I don't feel inclined to help others who can only say negative things about me, would you? So I feel like going in to this environment twice a week is making me turn into one of these moany people and becoming more selfish than I wish to be. I don't want to feel so negatively about these people and the store but it is grinding me down.
Added to this, as I said, I work nights. I get home at 6am and go straight to bed, but I have a 3 year old. I have to get up to take her nursery for 9 so I get 2 hours at most. Once she's dropped off I just about get 2 more hours before I go and fetch her again. Once she's home we have an afternoon together, an evening run and then I finally get to bed. So for every night I work I lose 2 nights sleep, I don't really get to recover from that. So I get tired from the shift and then get more and more tired as time goes on. I feel like I don't really have the energy to do what I want to do and am vegetated on the sofa for most of my life. I hate that feeling and I wish I didn't have to work. I know that I'm good at my job and I enjoy the actual work, I just don't like the consequences of everything that comes with that. I wonder if the extra money is worth it but I know that at the moment we rely on it and can't really do without the job. I also wonder if it would really solve the problem if I wasn't working? Would I just find something else to be unhappy about? I'm determined to enjoy the many things I have but it would help if I wasn't so tired!!
So, until our situation changes, I'm going to continue working there. I'm going to continue doing the best job I can and try and shut everyone out. I'm focusing on getting through to Easter and taking it from there. I really hope we know more about our situation by then so decisions can be made.
Mostly I want to document my journey as a women, wife and mother. I constantly strive to be better at all of these roles but I have constant failures as well. Maybe this blog can help me see things from a better angle and perhaps not feel quite so alone in how I feel.
There are so many things on my mind at the moment that I don't even know which one to pick and where to start. Maybe I'll list these and then I can address them all in time.
1) Work
2) Jobs and Cleaning
3) impatience, laziness and exhaustion
4) children
5) friends
6) lifestyle
My family and I have just been away for the weekend and had a fantastic holiday. Now we're back I'm having to face going back to work again and it's really upsetting me and getting me down, my first shift is this afternoon. I don't have a glamorous job and I feel embarrassed whenever anyone asks me what I do. I always say "I just work in ______, stacking shelves". In reality what I do is much more than that and it's hard work. I took the job knowing is was a dead end job, that's all I wanted, but I didn't really account for the environment I'd have to work in and the tiredness. What I haven't mentioned is that I work 2 nights a week to fit this around my family. I work 10pm till 6am. The whole environment is toxic because everyone is so unhappy there and constantly moaning. Outside of my team I'm hit with so much negativity and no support. Night staff, who we work with, don't like us because we move items around on the shelves fitting in the new items and taking out the discontinued stock. They say they can't find the items, they waste time looking for it and that we get in the way. Sure for one night it's inconvenient but customers want new items and rotating items is surely what a good business is all about? Would they prefer that we always left things exactly as they were and we customers got bored and shopped elsewhere? Then we'd all be out of a job. The way they talk feels like they'd prefer that sometimes. I'm fed up with people complaining about lack of help but never offering anything in return. I don't feel inclined to help others who can only say negative things about me, would you? So I feel like going in to this environment twice a week is making me turn into one of these moany people and becoming more selfish than I wish to be. I don't want to feel so negatively about these people and the store but it is grinding me down.
Added to this, as I said, I work nights. I get home at 6am and go straight to bed, but I have a 3 year old. I have to get up to take her nursery for 9 so I get 2 hours at most. Once she's dropped off I just about get 2 more hours before I go and fetch her again. Once she's home we have an afternoon together, an evening run and then I finally get to bed. So for every night I work I lose 2 nights sleep, I don't really get to recover from that. So I get tired from the shift and then get more and more tired as time goes on. I feel like I don't really have the energy to do what I want to do and am vegetated on the sofa for most of my life. I hate that feeling and I wish I didn't have to work. I know that I'm good at my job and I enjoy the actual work, I just don't like the consequences of everything that comes with that. I wonder if the extra money is worth it but I know that at the moment we rely on it and can't really do without the job. I also wonder if it would really solve the problem if I wasn't working? Would I just find something else to be unhappy about? I'm determined to enjoy the many things I have but it would help if I wasn't so tired!!
So, until our situation changes, I'm going to continue working there. I'm going to continue doing the best job I can and try and shut everyone out. I'm focusing on getting through to Easter and taking it from there. I really hope we know more about our situation by then so decisions can be made.
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